Guilt and Forgiveness

I was reading Amanda's post yesterday and it got me thinking about how we deal with guilt and forgiveness in relation to our emotional and mental health. 

Depression is an odd animal. It can stem from how your brain releases chemicals, events in our lives, or any number of combination of factors. 

With my bipolar disorder, I tend to fall into the first category, with my depressive cycles being random and usually triggerless (is "triggerless" even a word? If it's not, then it is now. :) ). Amanda's tends to be cyclical, though it has been made much worse over the last year or so due to some difficult times in our lives and marriage...most of which have been as a result of my actions. 

She has forgiven me, but I haven't. I can't.

The one person I truly care about in this world (I'll talk more of my emotional disconnect in a future post), is hurting and suffering because of me and the decisions I made. 

I know that her depression and anxiety have been a part of her life for a long time, it's something we discussed early on in our relationship. However, it's only gotten to this degree since all of my transgressions came to light. 

I don't feel guilty about a lot of things. I tend to be a fairly calloused and apathetic person. This is different though..the one person that I do care about, the one that loves me no matter how hard I am to live with and how selfish I can be was hurt by my hand.

What's worse is there's no way to make it right. You can't fix the past. No matter how much you want to. You just have to let it lie there, always glaring. always reminding you of who you were or what you've done.  

She's forgiven me. She's never "punished" me. She's never held it over my head. She has shown me more grace and love than any one person deserves. She has stuck with me. She has loved me even when I've hated myself.  

I'm glad she's seeking help. I'm glad she's going to be given the support system she deserves. The support system that I, often times, am unable to provide. 

I'm proud of her for being strong. I'm humbled by her love for me. I look up to her and her ability to love unconditionally and fully, even when she hurts more deeply than anyone should hurt. 

the broken fits. was birthed out of our healing. Out of a desire to give people hope when they've lost their own. We want people to know that it's okay to be broken. It's okay to be hurt. You can still be okay. It may take time, but you can get better. 

She's forgiven me. I haven't yet. I'm trying to. She wants me to accept her forgiveness. I can't. Not until she heals. Not until the hole that I tore has mended. I'm not perfect. I'm not even good sometimes. I want to be. I want to be more like her. She's stronger that she realizes. 

We'll fight. We'll work. We'll laugh. We'll suffer. But we wont give up. I wont give up. Not as long as she believes in me.  - Steven

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