august 1, 2018

So I started going to therapy this week. 

It was time to face my anxiety and depression head-on and get a treatment plan together. 

I’ve been trying to take care of myself and eat well, practice yoga, get plenty of rest, take my supplements that are helpful with anxiety, etc. But the depression has gotten to a severity that basically takes every ounce of energy I have to peel myself out of bed, shower, and get to work on time. 

I still love my job, but even though working gives me some pleasure and I am still functional while there, as soon as I sit in the car after a workday to head home, all of my energy is GONE. I try to schedule my appointments on staggered days so that I have a day to recover between shifts. 

It’s becoming harder for me to hold it together, as a whole. 

I do a small amount of yoga and stretches to get moving in the mornings, but sometimes I don’t even have the gumption for that. 

I feel like a waste of space because I am not being productive with my time. 

I am always on the verge of tears. I feel very raw and vulnerable at all times. 

There is a lot I want to do: paint, draw, write, workout, work more days at the salon, but right now, I simply CANNOT. 

Do I feel suicidal? Not at the moment. 

Do I want to hurt myself or anyone else? Absolutely not. 

Do I want to disappear? Yes. I want to throw my phone in the garbage and drive someplace far away and not talk or listen to any voices for a week, or two weeks. 

Not that I want to be away from my family, I just want to be away from any responsibility and every outside sound. 

So, I started therapy before I get to the point of not being able to function. Because I have responsibilities and I want to honor them. I want to look forward to getting up in the morning instead of only wanting to hide in the bed and cry as soon as I open my eyes. I’m tired of feeling like I should be happy, and my emotions are just not lining up with all the good I have in my life right now. 

I’m frustrated with myself. But I also realize that my brain chemistry is just, OFF right now, and I need to get it back in order. 

I’m not being weak or selfish and I’m not wallowing in self-pity. I need ‘brain help”, is all. So I’m getting help. If you need help, too, I encourage you to get help. 

Don’t wait until you are hopeless; get help now.

- Amanda

1 comment

  • Susannah

    Susannah Huntsville, AL

    Sending love. I know how hard it is.

    Sending love. I know how hard it is.

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